Cultivate This

I'm still alive and ranting mad as usual . . .

I'm still fired up about health, food, and eating. Just more indiscriminate as to where I blab about it, apparently. 

I'm still here, and for each of you that has sent me comments, thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Long Time No See

I know, I know, I know.  I've been MIA for HOW long now?  And trust me, the scale totally shows it too.  Forget 90/10--my eating has been more like 10/90 (good/bad).  And, I know, any readers I possibly have left are totally sick of hearing me whine about the difficulties in figuring out to maintain this WOL, well, for LIFE.   I'm sick of it too.  My blood sugar has been very wonky, it's been WAY too hot to cook, I've had other stuff to do, I'm full of good execuses.  But, none of them really resonate with me anymore.  I KNOW how long it takes to heat up chicken (not that long), I know how much better I feel with REAL food (way better), and I know how to eat healthy (portion control).  So why haven't I been applying what I know? 

I'm currently doing a 40-day yoga challenge (which I'm doing as 50 day challenge to allow for more gradual progression) and I'm feeling GREAT.  I'm doing weekly pilates with Golden Marionette and slightly more walking.  I'm still not eating refined sugar, wheat, much dairy (ok, I do eat SOME dairy, but no CHEESE), malitol-laden "goodies" or fried anything.  So many changes from three or four years ago, and so many have stuck.  I know that my problem is purely one of calorie density.  (I.e. 4 or 5 bags of trail mix = 4 or 5 pounds of fat, 1 pint of sugar-free frozen yogurt = 1 pint of rolly-polly belly, 1 bag of Pirate's Booy = 1 bag of junk in my trunk).  These are NOT unhealthy foods. 

The challenge right now is finding that balance between moderation and deprivation.  I need moderation in all things, but moderation for me quickly becomes every day.  And depreviation only works with certain items (i.e. wheat, sugar)--I can't give up all sweetness or fat or flavor.  As I run around like a worker ant gathering crumbs, I need to remind myself that I am worth my own home cooking, that eating out is not the only form of comfort, that it's okay to slow down. 

And slowness IS a big part of the problem right now.  I KNOW just like I know everything else that eating slowly, very, very slowly and mindfully would make a big difference. 

Just as writing it down makes a HUGE difference. 
Yesterday: 
Blueberry/Banana protein smoothie
5-6 baby carrots
1/2 cup brown rice, 4 artichoke hearts, 3 oz chicken, and 2 tablespoons leftover cucumber dip from this weekend
1/4 of a 1 oz 85% dark chocolate bar
Few sips of Freak's Sugar free soy latte
5 oz steak, 1/3 baked potato, salad
2/3 cup low-fat, sugar-free frozen yogurt with live cultures, 1 tablespoon  100% fruit apricot jam, and 1 squirt whip cream. 

Seeing what I don't want to confess to, what it is hard to write down, shows me those areas where I owe it to myself to improve, to strive even harder. 

Silent Screams

My cats are making me fat. I've left the 160's behind for the 170's. AGAIN. My jeans, they will not zip.  I DID hike 2 hours yesterday.  Scientist taught me how to use the bow-flex machine.  I've been walking more.  I've been eating, quite simply like shit.  There is NOTHING in the house at the moment.  The decision to eat all organic, has also apparently meant the decision to buy LESS food.  I have shopped less, spent more, and the carbs, they are killing my blood sugar. 

I can look back, and I can see when this went from being a blog about weight loss to a whine about the injustice of it all. I don't WANT a plan. I am tired of plans.  I am tired of rules.  I am tired of making and breaking my OWN rules.  I am tired of knowing what works and not being able to do it.  I can tell you that if I ate more vegetables, ate more frequently, ate less fruit, gave up peanut butter, measured my carb servings more precisely, and ate less "goodies" I'd be fine.  But, I'm not fine.

I WANT to be fine.  I WANT to be a 12, not a 14. I WANT to be a TEN, damn it.  But, I'm not.  Did I mention I'm on MORE medication, not less, these days, and still my brain can't let go of food. You'd think all those extra brain chemicals and blood sugar helpers, and I wouldn't NEED treats. You'd be wrong.

Sigh. I promise, someday, I'll get back to healthy. I'm THIS CLOSE. THIS CLOSE.  And yet, just a bit far away, too. 

On Chocolate Alone

I have decided to live on chocolate. Only chocolate. Specifically, Endangered Species Black Panther, and Dagoba's 87% dark.  Which is really too bad, because I'm pretty sure that there is a law about diabetic women not being able to live on chocolate alone.  Especially when their blood sugar is having a really bad weekend anyway. 

Did I mention I have PMS?  No?  You mean it's NOT self-evident?

I'm off to have a chocolate and chocolate sandwich for lunch, accompanied by a chocolate apple, and a chocolate salad, with a dinner of chocolate roasted chocolate and chocolate soup with a dessert of chocolate :P

The law will catch up with me soon, I am sure. 

Sometimes Food IS Love

Last night, I got an awesome, uplifting comment on my whole cat drama from my good friend, and fellow cat lover, amazing lawyer girl ABV.  And all of a sudden, I was craving enchiladas.  I think it was four years ago now that ABV and her husband arrived out of the cold, toting huge, steaming dishes of her special enchilada recipe.  "You might only want a 1/2 a one" she warned, "They're RICH!" and OMG, she was right, and it was culinary heaven.  Imagine your whole life, you have only had what Taco Hell and cheap mexican joints call enchiladas.  Now, imagine that your whole life you have wanted the kind of life where friends come in out of the cold and potlucks and dinner parties--and you see a glimpse, just a glimpse of how RICH that could be. 

Now, I am not from Texas like ABV, and my enchiladas are decidedly my own, healthy, not-so-RICH creation that are a perfect with fresh avocadoes, and fresh-from-the-garden greens, and a side of perfect farm stand berries.  Not that the meal has to be THAT perfect.  I'm just lucky.  And loved.  Very, very loved. 

Recipe below

Continue reading "Sometimes Food IS Love "

In Which I confess to being a chocolate sucking glutton

Um. yeah. So this is my food for the day: 2 eggs & spinach,  A peach, 1/2 cup brown rice and tuna with salad with Flax Seed oil, celery, a chocolate whey smoothie . . .so far so good, THEN a bag of microwaved popcorn & some bittersweet chocolate squares. (Lets say three). 

So what the hell is my problem? Is it a lack of food in the house? Is the fact that I seem to get ravenously hungry come 3:30 no matter what?  Is the lack of writing down my food (remedying that, now, aren't I?)? 

DO I WANT TO WEIGH 180 again??????????????????????????  What the hell has gone wrong in the past month or so?  I understand that now is not really the time for a plan, and god knows, I don't WANT a plan right now, but what am I doing to me?

Do I LIKE tight pants? NO! I do not.  And what am I contemplating going and eating right now??? Dinner, you say? No. I think an apple sounds good.  I'm all for trusting myself but this lack of interest in meals has got to stop.  Grazing = not so bad.  Continual indulgence = problem.  I haven't checked in on the FF forum in forever, I've stopped listing my food requirements at resturaunts, and . . . . this is not where I want to be!  In a few years, I want to be a mom, and I want to be a CUTE mom.  Large moms ARE NOT cute.  Large writers are not attractive. But I also want to be realistic about where my size lays, what my ideal weight really is.  ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHH!

Praying on the Mat

I did yoga for the first time in months yesterday afternoon.  Just like that, the need was powerful and overwhelming to move, to push back on the sedentary lifestyle creeping up on me.  And it felt wonderful and cathartic, exactly what I needed.  Later, I was trying to describe to someone what yoga is like, what the meditation that follows is all about.  "What do you meditate on?" she asked, genuinely curious.  "Silence."  I said.  "What do you need silence for? You're young!"  As if being young is a curse, or a guarantee that the noise in my head would not make a hoard of preschoolers look like church mice.  Then, I realized that for me, movement IS my prayer--I open myself up to what the universe wants to tell me, focus on telling the relentless patter inside my head to take a hike.  And, I need this.  Not to get thin, but to get balanced.

And somehow deciding to eat right today, to make an effort, to not flounder around in the sea of fruit and peanut butter (Eggs! and Spinach! for breakfast! Oh! My!) seemed easier after yesterday.  For, me, I think movement, exercise IS the cornerstone from which all else follows. 

My doctor is playing around with my medications right now too.  Part of me wants to say, "But I'm doing so good!."  But I also know I COULD do better.  And so, I try.   

Fallen Off the Face of the Earth?

No, not yet. Nor have I ballooned up to 200 pounds again or anything so dramatic. Amazingly, my size 12's still fit, despite some rather . . .interesting eating. Today I've had an apple with peanut butter, salad with flax oil and shrimp, frozen strawberries, and a chocolate smoothie. Oh and a corner of unsweetened chocolate. Which seems to be my new crack. Binging isn't really a problem for me of late (thank god for small miracles). Unfortunately, TIME is. Working on the basement remodel, writing, a couple of freelance gigs, and oh yeah, my JOB, and not a whole lot of time for cooking or eating. And my kitchen shows it. And I so lurve me a gorgeous kitchen. Any volunteers to clean it? Nah, didn't think so. I LOVE my body. I love my current size. I need better hair, but I'm really in good place as far as loving me. Now, if I could just SHOW it by eating slightly better and more frequently, all would be good. LESS fruit and all would be good. :) But, I'm still here. Breathing. Slowly. Amid a pile of stress, I really can't blog about less I be dooce'd or disowned by my family. Stay with me. Regularly scheduled programming will resume at some point.

Who I AM Right NOW in Pictures

Am I a blur of light, invisible to the naked eye?

Am I muscle and dirt, form without more?

Am I a reflection of who I want to be?

Am I my own guru? 

Is this, the me I was on Wednesday, who I am?

One foot

Last night, I sobbed like my heart was breaking and I didn't even know the WHY.  I mean, I'm stressed out, that's kind of the DUH! in all of this:  My Dad is still sick, I've spent the last week at the vet's office (more about that later) with Frankenkitty, and I've got this small little extentsial crisis of BEING.  Like what the HELL am I doing with my life? Like WHAT will I be doing come fall?  Like WHY the hell did I get a law degree? Like WHAT DO I DO NOW?  How do I go forth into the unknown? WITHOUT A PLAN?

And the, thing is, I'm STRESSED, but I'm doing WAY better than I have in three years.  I walked nearly an hour with Freak and Caylis last night, in the heat, with no ill effects.  I can do yard work, clean house, and I'm not sick anymore.  I am diabetic, which my body likes to remind me, when I over-do it on this or that, but overall, I'm GOOD.  And I'm less depressed than I was a year ago, than two years ago.  Depression is less my constant companion and more an infrequent visitor that I chase off, because really, I am light inside.  But, even knowing that, I feel adrift.  Not depressed. Just floundering.  On the verge, yet not quite there yet either. 

The scale, it says 165.  It lies.  I feel 200 again.  I feel bloated, and heavy, and I HATE this. I look at photos of me, and I'm still not matching who I am in my mind's eye, who I know I can be.  Is it worth forgoing the ease of sweetness and convienence to be that person?  I think it is.  I think LIFESTYLE is the answer, not any particular plan.  I believe in FF, but where I am right now, is not really a place to do P1--I wouldn't advise someone in the midst of stress to do that to themselves.  And the fact that I am holding very steady in the face of increased eating, to me, says that EXERCISE and MODERATION are probably the answers.  Which I knew.
And I know. 

I eat better than 98% of the population. I am not binging, because I have no need to binge. I nuture myself with long showers and walks and books without thinking first of food.  I am amazed daily at being FULL. I have a wonderful life.  I have everything I want--the abundance, it overwhelms me, washes over me, and I don't know what to do with this feeling of ENOUGH. If it is possible to be overwhelmed by one's good fortune, that is me right now, and it weighs me down, making me feel like Shamu, amazed when a size 11 fits, when I feel like a 22 inside, when I feel like I've eaten the house, and really I've just had lunch.

Disconnect.  I FEEL like a failure, but I am not.  I FEEL unloved, but I am surrounded by the light and grace of so many others.  I FEEL heavy, but I am not, I dream thin, but I am not.  Where to go from here? One foot.  Then another.  One foot.