Life is a Banquet : Doctor Dating

While I wait for yet another round of blood tests, two back to back MRI's next week, find new ways to make my metformin work overtime, and continue my extended stay in medical limbo-land, I've been thinking a lot about something I said on Jellybelly's site--that finding a good medical professional is a lot like finding a date. Only harder. So in the interest of helping good patients find good doctors and technicians I present: Medical Personal Ads: Just Dial 1-900-FIXMEUP to respond to any ad that strikes your fancy. $1000 dollars a minute, or one easy payment of a second mortgage, all future vacations, and Harvard tuition for unlimited access.

Today's Ads:

Professionals Seeking Patients, ~~Clients,~~ ~~Guinea Pigs~~:

I Want to Suck Your Blood: Phelbomist seeks short-term, no-strings attached hook up with fearless patient. Strong veins a must. Should enjoy long, fruitless searches for missing veins, nights of wild stabbing, bondage. Latex fetish a plus. Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. Box me: BL00D6Y
Strong Silent Type: Tall Dark, and mysterious specialist seeks special woman for wordless encounters. I'm chronically overbooked, but give me six months, and I can squeeze you in. "You say it best when you say nothing at all." I'll call you. N0R11Y
Worth a Second Look: Scholarly academic wants to be your second opinion. Specializes in dismissing hometown doctors with a single wave of a xeroxed study. Bring a backpack--I've got tons of research for you to munch on. R4LSONLY
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Right: Busy general practitioner seeks "whiny women" for biweekly or monthly chats. No referrals, No questions, No follow-up. Must enjoy waiting room scenery and catching up on out-of-date People. Hard of hearing a plus. HM0BTCH
Love Letters: Shy OB-GYN seeks patient woman for correspondence relationship. Must appreciate fine carbon copies of test results, aged to perfection, and mailed with great delay. Specializing in annual relationships with perfect cervix's. No phone calls. 2LTE2BAD
Diamond in the Rough: Over-eager medical student seeks talkative patients for in-depth conversations, short-term hospitalizations, and membership in the disease-of-the-month club. Enjoying repeating self, and comfortable in group situations a plus. Weird symptoms, off-base diagnoses, and lack of authority my specialty. ALLT1K08TN

Mother Hen Seeks Chicks: Sympathetic Nurse practitioner seeks recurrent infections and medications for management. Talk all you want, I'll listen. Limited prescribing and referral ability, but guaranteed empathy and validation. 4U2SMLE
Drill Me Hard: HMO Dentist seeks bad brushers, lapsed flossers and gum chewers for intimate relationship, complete with power tools. Don't talk with your mouth full, I don't expect an answer. Enjoyment of group activities with my "assistants" a plus. They'll prep you. I'll drill. DR00L4U
In the Dark: Young optometrist seeks four eyes for up-close-and-personal relationship with mirrors and puffs of smoke. Don't Blink. FR8MZ4U
Carrots Are Forever: Hospital-based nutritionist seeks bad-boyz and girlz for complete overhaul. I have rubber food and I'm not afraid to use it. And you thought the four food groups were dead. INFL8XBLE.
Don't Cry for Me: Emotionally distant, hard-to-find specialist seeks chronic conditions for immediate dismissal. Must like long drives to remote medical centers and quick, pointless appointments. Ability to save tears for the waiting room a big plus. It's all in your head, except my big fee. KL33NX

Patients Seeking ~~Miracle Workers~~, ~~Counselors~~, Practitioners:

Wand Me Softly: Cystic woman seeks ultrasound technician with superb wand skills for random encounters and mysterious pain. Warm jelly, soft hands, and reassuring words a big plus. Ability to explain mystery blobs on screen a must. Send pics of wand. P8NTPIC
MRI Looking 4 U? : Claustrophobic patient seeks funny lab tech for radioactive experiences. Jokes should be new, updates frequent, and compassion a must. Offers of blankets, stretch breaks, and contrast dye helpful. N0MTL
Indifference is My Middle Name: Gluttonous patient seeks tolerant doctor for lecture-free check ups. Should be free of personal questions, dietary advice, and referrals. Mono-syllabic exchanges preferred. Climax with prescription renewals. DRUGS4ME
Read any good books lately? Well-read patient seeks inquisitive doctor for deep discussions about current research, and willingness experiment and refer when necessary. Open mind, good note taking habits and follow-up a must. L1STN2ME
Princess needs Pea removed: Princess seeks gallant Knight in white coat to remove irritating pea from her life. Morning stiffness, poor sleep, and vague symptoms demand prompt attention from vigilant professional. Must believe in existence of pea and be ruthless in finding it. CHR0N1C
Help Me Help Me: Holistic professional sought for drug-free relationship. Ability to suggest lasting solutions a must. Please no vitamin salesmen, pseudo-diagnosis, or on-site only allergy testing. MD preferred, please keep glowing patient testimonials in your office, not the waiting room. N0SNKE01L
HMO Slayer: Brave professional sought to slice through red tape, take down phone operators, and dismantle pre-existing condition limits. Limited compensation, but eternal thanks a given. G02BAT4ME
Third Times the Charm: Tired of always being second-best? Bored with easy referrals? Why not expand into the brave new world of third opinions with me? Long medical history, signs of patient-burnout, quick run-through of symptoms, and distrust of medical professionals evident, but restore my faith in the referral process and give me a ring. H1TMEBABY1MRET1ME
Let's Play By the "Rules": I'm tired of seeing unavailable and unsuitable professionals. I want someone to put me first. Submissive technician to bend to my will, expect little gratitude, and ignore waiting room of other patients while I come first. SQKYWH33L
All My Life: Young family seeks energetic general practitioner for periodic visits. Ability to remember names and faces big plus. Tolerance of drippy noses, recurrent infections, chronic problems, and constant questions helpful. Free samples, latest magazines, and convenient location desirable. LNGTRM
Team Player: Young, informed patient suffering from chronic condition seeks a "team player" for threesomes and moresomes with other specialists. Must be able to operate a fax machine, review records, and keep in touch with others. Should like to talk about me with others. Ability to multi-task and coordinate a big plus. NODRGINTR8NS