Cat Wars

Long ago, and Far Away, in a Distant Galaxy: 

“Arise, Darth Kitticus,” pronounced the vet, as he handed us our cat back. 

That’s right, our cat has become a Hissith Lord.  Lord Kitticus weaves through our house, his wails a muffled rumble behind the plastic helmet that confines him.  Once upon a time, he was a brash, young, if very stupid, Kiti, but then something happened.  He was seduced by the dark side.  There is no other explanation for it. 

Before he was seduced by the dark side, Mingy Skywalker was a faithful apprentice to Obi Wan KenDora and Kiti Master Mungy.  The force was strong in Master Mungy, who could seemingly make tasty treats appear at will, and could disappear from the back porch in a flash. Mingy could sense that the other Kiti Knights did not trust him. After all, he took risks they would not, bravely drinking blue toilet water, rolling in bleach, playing chicken with cars. 

He knew his lack of grace and control made him the butt of many jokes. He was tired of being called “short bus” kiti.  He wanted more POWER. The force was strong with him when he led an all-out attack raid on the feed bag, and fearlessly dove in, hanging upside to gorge himself. But, still, he wasn’t promoted to the rank of Kiti Master. He got the crap jobs–washing bottoms, patrolling for flies only to have someone else swoop in and make the kill, warming up sleeping spaces for others. 

  The seduction to the dark side began subtly.  He lost interest in Kiti training.  He squawked in pain when poked.  He went to see Emperor Vetatine who shaved a circle on his back, removed several quarts of fluid, and sent him back, a marked man.  From this one small abscess, Mingy got a taste of power.  For once, he was listened to, his needs attended to, his copious ego stroked.  So, he did his first act of defiance.  He ripped out his stitches, one by one, freeing the force to drip freely from him, oozing over everything.  He enjoyed the power of causing others to run in terror. 

Emperor Vetatine slapped a small helmet on him and stapled him shut, encouraging him to not give up until his people paid the proper respect to the Emperor (about $300 by this point in the tale).  He whispered tales of wet food forever, fields of chow, and Mingy was seduced a little more.  Perhaps being a Hissith Lord wouldn’t be SO bad.  So he promptly sprouted 4 more abscesses while the credit card was still smoking from the last visit with the Emperor. 

First born children were promised to the Emperor, homes mortgaged, credit card maxed, and terror rained until, 48 hours later, hyped up on antibiotics, Darth Kitticus emerged, resplendent in his large, shiny new helmet, sporting an 8 inch incision, inspiring fear from every onlooker.  Power was his.  His every movement monitored, his every ooze logged, chow and water brought to his side.  His helmet allowed him to shovel up chow, storing it for later, allowed him to bang into things, discovering new powers. 

Then Darth Kitticus did the unthinkable.  He turned on his good friend, Obi Wan KenDora–without whom he would not be a Kiti Knight at all.  No matter.  Perhaps she licked at his stitches, trying to encourage him to heal, and leave Emperor Vetatine alone.  Or maybe she hissed in fear at his strange new twisted appearance.  No matter, Obi Wan KenDora was blinded in an instant, leaking her force from a scratched eye.  In triumph, Darth Kitticus began to ooze more copiously than ever.  Both were rushed to Emperor Vetatine–there was no choice.  Penniless, destroyed, the order dispersed in hiding, hoping that last ditch antibiotics for Darth Kitticus and eye drops for Obi Wan KenDora would restore balance to the force. 

Stay tuned for the next episode.   

Comments

[aka_monty]

Now THAT was funny.

Thanks for stopping by my place and leaving a comment~you're welcome any time. You don't even have to call first. ;)

I plan to drop in unannounced here, so consider yourself warned. :D

[Kimberly]

Oh, poor young Mingy Skywalker! Poor Obi Wan KenDora! What a sad day for the Kiti...

We, too, have spent much time, money, and worry on our beloved cats. I hope that Mingy and Dora are on their way to full recovery.

I'm here today from Michele's.

[Thumper]

Oh! I hope the kitties are ok. I'm going through my own multiple offerings of next born children to the Emporer Vetatine. The kitties MUST BE OK!!!

[amanda]

and the hissith did arise, and bite his lord. running around possessed, marking the territory for the dark side, shredding all who got in his way, right?

I hope kitty will be fine. I think kitty will, but sometimes they have a perosnality change from things like this. soemtimes they become a lot sweeter.

much luck to the kitty mommy

[Mamacita]

That was bloody brilliant. I think we really were separated at birth. Mom's coming over tomorrow night and I'm going to ask her about it.