Back From the Future

Perhaps there will reach a point when I can't do this anymore, when I don't yearn for this outlet, don't miss it at all.   This isn't that point. 

I took a hiatus over the Spring because I started teaching.  In my new teacher prim-and-proper mindset, I took the blog offline because I was afraid of my students finding the blog, afraid of them seeing the "real me."  I have never been an anonymous blogger--more like semi-cloistered.  I see the problems my friends with anonymous blogs have run into, and that's just not me.  I hang it all out there.

Over the winter, I had some sage advice that perhaps I didn't want to be hanging it all out there where others could see it so easily, that my WYSIWYG persona just didn't fit the staid confines of Academia.   The giver(s) of this advice had my best interests at heart I am sure, and they were worried about my reputation, about appearances.   I've been contemplating a comeback for sometime.  Then Frances's post about WYSIWYG sent me over the edge.   

I stopped blogging about food because I didn't want to admit what a shambles that had become, what gaping ugliness remained behind.

I stopped blogging about writing when I hit a wall of self-doubt and pity. 

I stopped blogging about my life when I received repeated advice that I was simply too honest, that I put too much out there, that what I talked about was simply TMI and not "professional."  Blogging was unsuitable for a future author or professor. 

Before that, there were people I didn't talk to, friendships I let putter out, never begin, because I could not face my own truth.  I did not talk to my mother much for a few years for the same reason.  My truth scared me. 

I tried various ways to fill the hole blogging left behind.  So I blogged about my one "acceptable" topic: knitting.   I put pictures up on Flickr.  I tried writing letters to the child I hope to have soon. But, I felt stymied every time I felt my personality slipping though.  Is it too much to talk about my husband? To mention my problems? My health? 

I thought about coming back anonymously.  I know what few readers I had (10? 20?) have moved on. It would be relatively simple to start again, different URL, same me.  But, this is simply not me.  I write primarily for myself, and I have spent too long hiding from me.  I write the truth I cannot always speak aloud for my family, my friends, those closest to me.  Many of of whom choose not to read the blog, are bored by my monologues or simply lack the time--but I do not want to hide the existence of this part of me, living in fear of discovery, of being "shut down."

The truth is, I have a done a pretty darn good job of shutting myself down.  I don't need any help in that department.  I have spent the bulk of my 27 years not mentioning the various white elephants in the room.  I have told little white lies, and I have run from myself, over and over and over again. 

I do not flatter myself that one woman sharing her truth about her crazy-normal life will make a difference.  It will not make me rich.  It will not land me a blog-to-book deal.  It will not garner me legions of adoring fans.  It does not make me a better person or even a better writer.  But, what it makes me is honest.  Honest.  And, that my friends is reason enough to keep being here.     When I write, I see myself differently and I like what I see even when I see the raw gritty truth staring back at me.  This is why I am back.   

Comments

[Frances]

Welcome back my friend. Welcome back. You've been sorely missed.

[Kristin]

I am glad you're back !! I was afraid you had a stalker or something creepy like that had forced you to shut this down. I just checked in today for the first time in ages, after running through ALL of "glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com" which you would probably enjoy. She's cool. Anyway, I thought I'd give this a try too ... and here you are !!! I am happy to be one of your (10? 20?) readers ... now it's time to catch up on the rest of your news through July.

Kristin in Santa Barbara