What I really meant to say. . .

Kim.Kim has an amazing post up which links to another amazing post about "Dear Birth Mother Letters".  The whole Dear Birth Mother letter is why I ruled domestic adoption out a long time ago.  I was totally skeeved out by every "Dear Birth Mother" letter I read and the sick taste most domestic adoption websites left in my mouth sent me clamoring for other options where I wouldn't have to join the circus of letters and posturing.  Recently though, my research into the politics of adoption, open adoption, and adoptive-child rearing, has lead me to reconsider domestic.  A little.  Just a cracked door. 

Then, I read this post, which says exactly what I have felt for several years.  These two first moms give "Dear Birth Mother" letters a thorough debunking, but also give me hope.   Hope that not all "Dear Birth Mother" letters have to be these coercive dog and pony shows that smack of entitlement and elitism.  I never felt comfortable with domestic adoption because for all our good points, Freak and I are flawed, average people--I struggle with depression, Freak has his issues, we have a smallish house, crazy pets, crazy families. Many "Dear Birth mother" letters feel like a competition, a competition I simply have no desire to compete in. 

But, Kim.Kim gives me hope, that maybe, I can get the courage to write the letter that has been tossing around my head since I first saw a Dear Birth Mother letter.  What I really want to say to ANY birth mother--be it international, domestic, or whatever, is this:

"We are not better parents than you.  We are not any more 'deserving' or 'fit' than you.  We do not presume to declare that we have more to offer a child than you do.  If it is at all possible for you to parent, then we want nothing more than for you to be able to get the resources you need to be able to do that.  Your choice is your choice, and we want you to have all the facts to make a decision free from coercion and guilt.  If, after considering all your options, you feel that adoption is the best option for your child, then we would love to be considered.  Your child needs you in his or her life, and we want to come up with an open adoption plan that meets your needs and your child's needs. We view adoption as a lifetime commitment to have you in our lives as family---like any family there needs to be boundaries and limits, but we would work these out as a team committed to keeping that relationship. We'd love the chance to discuss our parenting philosophies, approach to open adoption, and lifestyle further with you."

I'm not sure we'll ever crack the door open wider to domestic adoption, but if we do, I welcome any constructive feedback on the above--I'm still learning so much about adoption and I'm sure I bungled the words/meaning up in some ways.  "Dear Birth Mother" letters have a lot in common with personal ads--the temptation to lie or present some idealized version of yourself is really great, but my approach to writing personal ads (for myself and others :)) always was to show the real person, warts and all.  Because, really, what you are looking for is a good fit--a person whose flaws are compatible with your flaws, and a relationship you can work with and grow in.  In an ideal world, adoption would be about creating relationships, creating families of choice and circumstance.   

Comments

[JJ]

It's not the funny self depreciating letter we were talking about writing a few weeks ago -- but there seems to be a lot of truth in it. I'm sure there are women out there considering adoption that care about more than how many hedges line your drive and how often you'll be going to Disney.

I hope there are... because I'm counting on it.

[Cece]

Interesting thoughts! Since I'm not in the world of adoption - I hadn't heard of this... but I can totally see how things would quickly get out of control with 'dear birth mother' letter - people are SO desperate to have children... and want to make themselves seem like the 'perfect' home.

Are any of us perfect? I don't think so.

[Margie]

Hi, I found you from Dawn and Kim, and wanted to see your letter. It is beautiful - and honest, and that's the most important thing. I'm looking forward to reading more.

[kim.kim]

Great that you are inspired to write a non coercive letter. I hope you start a trend.

[Stephanie]

Although domestic adoption was not the program for us, I think this letter is wonderfully written, open and honest. I heard once that birth mothers have this idea in their heads that adoptive parents should be like movie stars, beautiful with lots of money. They didn't want to think that they may be average folks. Who really knows. I think you end up with the child you are meant to parent regardless. I admire people who do domestic, I could never deal with having the open relationship.

[maerlowe]

We won't do domestic infant adoption, either, (ok, it is mostly me) because of the tone that agencies and those letters set. It makes my skin crawl.