Yours, Mine, and Ours

I was reading some birth mother and adoption blogs today in my surfing, and then I had this profound thought, "He/she will always be someone else's child too."  This sounds so simple, I hesitate to even write it.  But up until now, I have been focusing on how to feel the *most* like a "real" family and which way is best for us. I admit, hearing birth moms refer to "my daughter" or "my son," was a little grating at first, but I am so glad that I got past my initial discomfort and challenged why I felt that way.  I didn't WANT to acknowledge the simple truth of these labels.  So I hid my head in research instead.  But, I think, I was merely skirting around this profound truth:  No matter how we adopt--foster, domestic, international (country a, b, c, or z), our child will ALWAYS be a shared child.  For the rest of their lives, our kids will also be some one else's kids.  Whether their first family misses them deeply or not at all, has regrets or peace, keeps contact or is never found, all of these kids are also someone else's.  They will always have at least two families, even if they never meet them. 

Realizing this, I feel a woosh of anxiety over our decision leaving.  So much adoption seems wrapped up in ownership and belonging--making sure the child feels like they belong to your family, and making sure that you feel like this is "really" your child.  Which is true, you have integrate the child into your family, and you want to feel like the parents.  But, when you make this absolute goal for yourself of being the *only* family they need/want/have or of being the *only* parent, I think perhaps you are setting yourself up for a lot of the reasons why adoptions close, why parents discount the presence of primal wound, and why parents fear openness.

Admitting that there is always another family doesn't feel like a negative thing at all.  In fact, it feels like a gift.  Like, wow, how much love could this child potentially receive, how many positive relationships could they have, how many connections affirming who they are. Looking at the birthday box Kim.Kim made for her daughter, I think, "how could I not want this for my daughter?"  She should be so lucky. I thought about how amazing it would be to get that box, and open it with her, listen to her make the thank-you call, and I felt my heart open wide to this idea of multiple families.  Even if the birth family chooses not to/is unable/is simply unknown, acknowledging the presence of that other family feels right.  We will be the second family, which doesn't make us any less of a family or any less legitimate. I think of all the amazing ways that families get formed--marriage, choice, partnership, adoption, birth, community. 

The question no longer seems like what is best for US, but rather what is best for *this* child, and how can we best celebrate, accept, and deal with their multiple families. 

Comments

[baggage]

Exactly!! You are doing great with the hard stuff!

[Menita]

Sing it, sister. It's about expanding the potential for love and relationships, even at the risk of great pain. But just imagine the rewards in terms of generosity, openness and love. Fantastic post.

[MomSquared]

I know..it's weird how it's so hard to assimilate all of that in the beginning.

[art-sweet]

I'm not sure how I wound up here, but both this and your being friends with someone with depression post are brilliant.

As a fellow adoption ethics exploring depression enduring comrade in arms, I am adding you to my blogroll.

[maerlowe]

So much at the beginning of this is about the adoptive families (regarding fost/adopt especially) -- you know, will we be good parents, will we be able to handle his needs, will we be selected, how will we incorporate this child into our homes, will he ever feel like he belongs, will he ever call me mom -- that it takes a while to come back around to yourself. For fost/adopt, at least, I'm still hoping and wishing that whatever child/ren come our way, they still have relatives they can be in contact with -- KimKim's birthday box crushed me a little bit, because with adoptions through the state, my child might be missing out of that part of his life (you know, the first 6-14 years) entirely by the time we meet him.

[Margie]

Absolutely right on!!

You cannot measure love, you cannot contain it.

And our children deserve it from everyone in their lives - everyone.

[Carrie]

OH my goodness! Congratulations!! You know that I cannot stop talking about the fabulousness of adoption. All around. Best thing I have ever done, hands down. I do respect that Bella has another family and I think about her Mother (because that's all I know about) all the time and will always be grateful to her. But I never doubt that she is my daughter either. It is amazing. I am so happy for you! I have to go check out that KimKIm birthday box you mentioned now. I will e-mail you my question, thank you. Oh, and diaryland says that I do have an RSS feed, I just have no idea what to do about or with it. They say it is
http://rdhdprincess.diaryland.com/index.rss

[Stephanie]

This is such a tough issue for me and it took me a while to decide whether to post a comment. I can respect your views on the subject, but I can't help but think (1)Why is it often assumed that all birth mothers WANT to be in their child's life and (2) Why is often assumed that birth mothers DESERVE to be in their child's life? Also, while I feel bad for whatever circumstances caused the birthmom to give up her child, who's feeling bad for me and my circumstances? I guess maybe it's selfish of me, to want this child all to myself, but that's how I feel. Just my point of view, again, I respect everyone's opinion. I imagine my feelings are subject to change as my adopted child gets older.

[Aimee]

This is a good point. My kids were abandoned by their birth mother, but I'm sure she's still out there somewhere (although maybe not, given her lifestyle) and if she is, I will help them to look for her when they are older. Honestly, I would like to meet her...I think... But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am relieved that she's not going to be showing up on the doorstep any time in the near future. I hope.

[kim.kim]

Wavy thank you for your kind comments. I hope that more people like you will adopt and less who are negative about mothers like me and fearful about open adoption.
I get sad when I read comments like Stephanies and Aimee and hope they will hang out on your blog and get a little more of what you have.
Your kindness makes a huge difference - thank you.