Impatient

I cannot hold still for anything. It is a sad fact,  but I am the world s worst waiter. Everyone always marvels at how I knit in waiting rooms,  in lines,  waiting for friends to arrive,  and in the car, but the truth is that if I didn't knit, my head would explode.  Massages are torture for me--there is only so far I can relax before I snap into stir-fry shaped pieces and start demanding sauce. I'd rather get my finger nails removed than lay anywhere with no distractions  (even a gorgeous beach) .

My impatience has robbed me of spontaneity on more than one occasion.  I just blurted out that I wanted to kiss Freak  instead of waiting for the inevitable moment to arrive. Ditto  marriage  which I talked & talked about until there was nothing left to do BUT get married even in the absence of a Hollywood-esque proposal. Even when wonderful things are in the offing,  the universe is just too darn slow for WavyMcSpeedyBrains.

All of this is a long  fancy way of saying that I'm VERY impatient about Beta s arrival  and that "staying in the moment" is a punchline  not a mantra right now. I was convinced that Thursday was the day: bloody show  (I know  TMI), hard,  strong contractions,  adrenaline,  then . . . nothing but intermittent contractions,  then strong ones, then nothing,  repeat ad nausem. Apparently, I am in prodomal labor,  otherwise known as the 9th circle of Hell.

And I'm grateful that I have a doula  because had I gone to the hospital on Thursday,  I'd probably have a baby now  but I'd also have gotten a ride on the Pitocin & intervention express  which I'm trying to avoid. But  it's hard when my values about labor keep ramming up against my terrible impatience.

I spent yesterday in a horrible funk. I was the Alexander of labor. I can make hard contractions come on by walking,  but I was too exhausted to walk  and I felt like I was failing all the people who were waiting for the real show to begin. I had trouble being in the same room as Freak b/c all that helpfulness had me clawing at the curtains. My impatience sucked the joy from Mudville and all outlying communities.

But  then I went to Borders  (self-defense strategy on Freak's part)  where I met a remarkable woman and her small daughter,  and I realized that I'd been given a gift. If my labor had progressed,  I wouldn't have been at Borders. I wouldn't have met her. I wouldn't have gone to a picnic yesterday. I wouldn't have pre-washed all my cloth diapers. And I would have missed out on a ton of amusing rolls, kicks,  and punches from Beta.

And that tipped the scales for me. My impatience was stealing my last few days of pregnancy. Beta was moving and grooving happily in there  and all I could muster was anger and frustration because I wasn't in control. This might be my only pregnancy, and I've been very aware of that fact for 9 months,  yet instead of imprinting the miracle of having someone else moving inside of me,  I was watching every twinge and cramp for omens of labor. A labor that I cannot control  and indeed  made myself miserable trying to control.

So I just STOPPED. I did a long meditation  (stop here if the hippy-dippy metaphysical isn't your cup of tea)  and talked to Beta. I just talked and talked. I told Beta that I knew that I wasn't in control,  and that was okay. Beta can come today,  tomorrow,  this week,  next week,  and it's okay. Beta has known how to be born since the instant Beta was conceived,  and I trust that Beta will find his/her way out. My only job is to have the right frame of mind  and let go of control and expectations. I promised Beta that instead of trying to force labor,  I'd focus on letting go of my scripts and micromanaging of each contraction. I want to encourage Beta,  not scar him/her with my impatience.

I feel much better now. I'm not counting contractions, or focusing on "when,  when, when," or dreaming up new ways to get them stronger and more regular. I'm going to keep walking b/c that's healthy,  but I'm going to push other interventions  (natural though they may be)  to a back burner for a bit. It will happen. It will happen soon. The universe s definition of soon may differ from mine. And that's okay.

Help me wait & tell me how YOU deal with your impatience!

Comments

[DementedM]

Umm, I'll manage my impatience by coming here and reading this. Repeatedly.

I feel ya.

Glad you found your zen center.

Go eat some ice cream. Sugar always helps.

M

[Gina]

Breathe in, breathe out. Remember how many people would give their right arm for the chance to be blessed as you are, and savor these incredible moments of pregnancy that are yours. I pray to the Powers That Be that I will one day be blessed to have my own babies as you will soon have your own.

[amanda]

quit controlling it ya control freak. Beta is better of each and every day he spends cooking in you and you know it. women have been having babies for like a billion years, and you will have yours in the same course as most. Or, if you get tired of being pregnant, go ride a horse (thats how my mom got herself to go into labor with me, and I have the pictures to prove it). But, for once, this is not one of those things you can't control. there is a baby running this show. Just like it will for the next many months in the middle of the night. So chill, enjoy being pregnant and keep knitting. its gonna happen soon enough, and for the millionth morning your are breast feeding at 3am, you will wish you were pregnant again. I bet it will happen by the third day of thirty diapers.

[Day]

I keep coming here expecting the birth announcement...I can't even imagine how you're feeling! I'm just like you - if something big is imminent I'm just no good at laying back. I say pick up the knitting and keep talking to Beta!

[Paty]

Patience... Well, for me I learned a long time ago things happen in their own sweet time. Worrying about it only makes the time move slower. Enjoy the last days of pregnancy and remember the wonderful gift you will receive by having the patience to wait.

It is a learned thing that you will have to work on- especially after Beta arrives!
Eli and I thought maybe you were in the hospital since we haven't seen you on the chapter blog.

[SarahD]

The great thing is, it's soon, no matter what. Don't worry about disappointing people on a time-table--this is your and Beta's show, and it will happen when both of you are ready.

Almost there!! *HUGS*

When I get impatient, I talk it all out of my system, and then distract myself with something, like a good movie or getting lost on Flickr. I'm sure you've thought of that though! :)

[starfish]

Sorry, I have no help for you, since I am the same way. I don't know if it's as a result of living in this city, or if I live here because it can keep pace with me.

As you know, I too do alot of knitting to focus my energy.