My Husband, The Velociraptor

I love everyone's suggestion about making & freezing food. I can't take it though. Why? It's certainly not from lack of freezer space--we are blessed with a separate freezer in the garage. Nor, is it from lack of plastic containers--I live with he-who-shall-not-throw-anything-away. No, it's because of what I like to term the dinner time black hole effect. Any quantity prepared shall be devoured immediately.

To wit: I make two salmon burgers, two ears of corn, and steamed broccoli (last night). I am thanked for a lovely and filling meal. Seconds aren't requested b/c the law of sauce has not been activated.

The law of sauce: I use my largest skillet, and make curry with 1.5 lbs of chicken, cauliflower, carrots, and onions all swimming in a coconut based sauce. The recipe feeds 6-8. I make a stack of potato roti to accompany the feast, and plan on freezing half the curry to have with instant rice post-Beta. We sit down to dine, and I am just helping myself to a roti, when I hear a giant slurping noise followed by footsteps beating a path to the stove.

Me:  "Oh, by the way, I'm hoping to have lots of leftovers." Him: "Oh." Me: "What do you mean, 'oh?" Him: "I suppose there might be enough for your lunch tomorrow." Translation: There are enough scrapings left in the bottom of the skillet to feed your average female sparrow for a snack. Cue me smacking my head against the table. Him: "You should make more next time."

The law of sauce in brief: If it has a sauce, it will be gone before you are done chewing.

Corollary to the law of sauce: The tastier it is, the faster it disappears. If there is a meal gone wrong, it will linger, and linger. Feel free to freeze the craptastic leftovers as they will endure until the next ice age.

Second corollary to the law of sauce: The longer it takes to make it, the faster it will disappear. Butter Chicken which marinates for 6 hours, then broils, then simmers in sauce? 25.5 seconds to an empty pan.

Third corollary to the law of sauce: Doubling the recipe results in the same amount of leftovers. The last time you made peanut sauce, you had 1 serving left. This time, you double the recipe, doubling sauce, chicken, and vegetables. The result: 1 serving left.

The law of not-for-you: The law of sauce is not the only law operating in my kitchen universe. The law of not-for-you states that if you make something specifically for someone, it is highly probable that their tastes have changed, they are not in the mood for it, they have sprung an allergy, they had it for lunch, or the dish fails. You will be stuck with leftovers for a near eternity--and just when the last is fed to the dog, you will be asked, "why don't you ever make X anymore?"  If in your frustration, you determine to cook ONLY FOR YOU, beware of the law of not-for-you.

For example, your spouse dislikes sushi in any way shape or form. You make six cooked-fish &  veggie rolls, hoping to get several meals/snacks for yourself out of your efforts. Four rolls will disappear while you are hunting for your adorable little Japanese plates that ABV gave you as a wedding gift. "This is fabulous!" your sushi-hating spouse will exclaim while eying the two remaining rolls with lust. The law of not-for-you has struck again.

Second example, your spouse is allergic to dairy. You purchase sugar-free chocolate pudding cups, intending to save them for chocolate emergencies. Result: They disappear along with your spouse's allergy.

Our third example is guaranteed to take years off your life: You are making a large batch of banana bread. Your spouse requests that one loaf not have chocolate chips or nuts. You oblige even though you hate to divide dough, imagining that your reward will be a loaf of your very own. Predictable result: The chocolate & nut loaf disappears first. If you are lucky, you got a piece.

Corollary to the law of not-for-you: The person you most need out of the house will return at the least opportune time. Are you cheating on your spouse with a gluten free eggs Benedict for one? He will emerge, ravenous from his cave right as you are about to take the first bite. He will shake off hours of inattention and shower you with love and compliments until half your brunch is on his plate. His gratitude will make you feel like a wench for wishing him gone. 

Second Corollary to the law of not-for-you: Male pattern blindness/memory loss will strike when you least expect it.  Say you freeze two servings of a spicy black bean soup that your spouse claims gives him heartburn. Your freezer is also stocked with husband friendly pizzas, burritos, and other nasty pre-wrapped items which you can't eat.  When you arrive in the kitchen to the smell of soup with your spouse poised with spoon in front of the microwave, you can expect one of the following responses: "There was nothing else to eat!" "I never said I didn't like it!" "It didn't upset my stomach!" "You weren't eating it!" and/or "I didn't want it to go to waste." It is hard to reason with such logic.

Third Corollary to the law of not-for-you: Party food as irresistible as freezer-destined food. If you make hummus for dinner, you will be questioned as to where the rest of the meal is. Make hummus for SOMEONE ELSE though, and you will be bombarded with questions as to why you didn't make more, and why do we *really* need to bring a dish when a package of crackers might suffice.

Fourth Corollary to the law of not-for-you: You will pay for missed opportunities. Does your spouse hate pesto? Do you turn down a bag full of basil b/c you're the "only one who will eat it," and instead, buy a small jar that costs as much as face cream when you have a craving? You, my friend, have just guaranteed that your husband is now a pesto-lover who will lick the inside of the jar. Spouse not a watermelon fan? That personal size watermelon you just bought? It's now serving two.

After all this, you're probably wondering, why cook? Actually, I wonder this on a nightly basis myself. But, the answer is quite simple: It's no fun cooking just for me! Men are like puppies--they're so adorable when they've just eaten something they shouldn't have, and so completely lacking in malice that you end up apologizing to THEM for your fit of temper. And there is no greater compliment than someone who loves your cooking enough to have seconds. Or twelfths.

Anyone have any leads on industrial size cookware? Perhaps that might thwart the black hole effect temporarily?

Comments

[SarahD]

Oh, see, I forgot to factor in the fact that there was a man involved. Clearly an error in my calculations. Figuring out enough food for a man is like dividing by zero, isn't it?

I just spent a weekend up north with my boyfriend and went through the same thing with a gallon of stew I made us, thinking he'd have plenty leftover when I left. HARHAR! 2 days is how long it lasted. I had maybe 3 cups.

As usual, you speak truth :)

[amanda]

I am glad you like the plates/serving ware. But I have discovered a way around this. There is NO way a man can eat eight dishes. I am serious. make a bunch of things at once, ie, lasagna, soup, curry, stew in ONE setting. I pormise, while he may eat more than you planned, he cannot finish it all. Or, here is another trick I use: cook 10 lbs of chicken breasts at once. Freeze 2 per bag. Get organic frozen veggies. Then when you make instant rice, you can thaw the veggies and chicken and cook easily. I also do it with 5 lbs ground turkey or chicken, freezing it in 5 containers. then its easy spaghetti, tacos, ect. So maybe ingredients are the way to go...

[starfish]

Either all men are the same or we are really married to the exact same man.

Particularly, the scoffing of indian food and the sudden interest in chocolate/nut laden banana bread are suspiciously familiar.

[Paty]

LOL! That was entertaining! You must be a writer. ;)
Since the kids are gone, I told my dh I'm as burned out over cooking as he is about driving truck. So he knows he's lucky to get anything to eat when he comes home! LOL But it took 22 years for me to get the guts to tell him!

[Candice Gilmer]

See, this is why I keep peanut butter, bread, and chicken nuggets handy ALL THE TIME.

Course, this happens in my house:
"Honey, there's six chicken nuggets left, do you want them? I left them for you," husband says with a smile.

"Oh, not right now," I reply.

Ten seconds later, I walk into the kitchen. "Where'd they go?"

"You said you didn't want them."