I got blindsided by the mommy police* recently. More than once actually. More like two weeks of mommy police. These are the been-there-done-that (BTDT) mothers who are happy to share their jaded world view with the now-obviously pregnant woman. Any affirmation of joy is met with a lengthy explanation of why that is BAD! FOR THE BABY! and wouldn't work anyway.
Of course, the mommy police are not a unique species either. The dearly departed cancer baby wrote eloquently about the mood oglers, many of my favorite infertility bloggers have addressed assvice, and in the writing world, these jaded creatures have no name, but they pop up with alarming frequency, spewing negativity on bulletin boards and at meetings. And I'm sure, at my most discouraged, I've been guilty of being a newbie writer police or the diabetic police. And for that, I'm truly sorry, and wish to complete my woo-woo head shrinking and share joy, not horror stories.
As women, we face a pretty tough road anyway--so many cultural and societal forces still conspire against us, so WHY do we do the most damage to each other? Especially when it comes to mothering, our uniquely female domain? Shouldn't we try to be supportive of each other's choices? I think my recent encounters with the mommy police bug me so much, because in each instance, it was someone who ostensibly SHARES my politics and world views. Yet, they let absolutism and black and white thinking run away with their tact and empathy.
I feel like I am back in junior high, where hours later, I come up with good comebacks and zingers to put them in their place. Of course, in junior high, name calling worked really well. Here, (while some name calling might be fun), I'm more concerned with sticking up for myself and wanting to showcase the need for moderation. Because, really, I truly do get it: Organic = Great! Breastfeeding = Best! Home Birth = Affirming! Cloth diapering = nifty idea! Limited Weight Gain = Smart! Attached parenting = Common sense! Vaccinations = Proceed with Caution! Home schooling = Best for Some Kids! But, within each SHOULD, there's a lot of grey area, and we shouldn't confuse SHOULD with MUST, ALWAYS, or EVERYONE. Possible comebacks (feel free to borrow for your own run-ins with the mommy police):
- No, I'm pretty sure that relaxing didn't help me get pregnant. Actually ovulating once helped me get pregnant.
- No, it won't "scar" our potential biological child if we adopt later. I mean, you know, hearing over and over "you were our second choice, cause we really wanted to adopt," might, but you know . . .
- No, I don't plan to do {insert fad diet of choice here} afterwards. Why on earth would I want to waste all those good breast feeding extra calories on rabbit food?
- Beta ENJOYS the chemicals in {gum, splenda, ham, sugar-free ice cream, non-organic veggies}. Heck, who wants to gestate when you can pickle.
- Not giving into a single craving sounds like a pretty joyless way of life.
- Why, yes, I do want to have my baby in a {baby factory, ceseran machine, hippie birth}. Because, you know, why bother with having a live birth or an experience that suits my needs when I can make a political statement. In fact, I'm going to get a tee-shirt made: This birth brought to you by extremists everywhere.
- Yes, telling my husband he has no say in naming sounds like an excellent idea. I'll call you from divorce court.
- Gee, if my health care provider is a "quack," and I'm following his/her/their advice, what must you think of me?
- Tuning out during office visits sounds like a really good waste of a co-pay don't you think?
- Banning {disposable diapers, cribs, pacifiers, gender specific items, plastic, Disney} sounds like a way to ban grandmothers and free help too. Heck, why not ban gifts while we're at it?
- I totally agree. A bottle will permanently scar my child. As will a pacifier. Breast only until they're 21, and can move to someone else's breasts.
- That's a great point. In fact, I don't think I should take the kid into a store EVER. Because, you know, he might SEE a bottle, or a pacifier, or an Elmo Diaper, and then, I'd be screwed, because he'll know what they look like, and he'll beat me with tiny fists and demand the crack.
- See the way I figure it, Bill Gates is really hip on the whole vaccine thing. If I get at least SOME, he will think I am HOT! And totally leave Melinda for me, and then I'll be set.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if you just ignore it, depression totally goes away on its own. In fact, I'll back some bags for it before I begin the silent treatment.
- Yes, letting my mother wheel the baby in a stroller probably isn't the best idea. Maybe we shouldn't let her touch the baby in case that impedes AP too.
- Home school under all circumstances? Heck yeah! We plan to home medical school!
My basic objection here is simple: If someone AGREES with you in part or expresses a willingness to explore more in a given area, beating her over the head with absolutism is not a way to win new advocates for your cause.
All of the above situations happened in casual conversation where I AGREED with the mommy policewoman, but stopped short of adopting an absolute view. I DO plan to breastfeed, cloth diaper, be smart about vaccines, research my birth options, consider home schooling, eat organic whenever possible, and be as AP as possible. But, I'm not going to beat myself up if one of these plans or ideas falls through. I am the QUEEN OF GUILT, and I don't need any extra. If I need to adjust my plans, I will. If adjusting my values enables someone to help me, then I'll probably do it. If I feel something is medically necessary, I'm going to do what needs to be done at the time, and try not to beat myself up for my choices later. If it means the difference between a happy, sane mama, and a crazy, stressed-out or broke mama, I'm probably going to choose sane.
Over the past few years, I have discovered the pleasure of living in the gray area of most choices. I lived a number of years in absolutism land, and I have absolutely no desire to return. That I'm pretty absolute about. I want to learn as much as possible about mothering, and talking to BTDT moms is invaluable. As women, we have so much collective wisdom to share with each other. I just wish we could share in a way that affirms each person's right to find her OWN little patch of gray.
*If you've given me much-needed advice or answered my endless pregnancy questions, I don't mean YOU. 98% of these were random encounters with friends-of-friends, boards I participate in, and acquaintances. So, if you're reading this, you can safely assume that I don't mean you. YOU I love and totally consider you the wise women with lots to share.