Life is a Banquet

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I am apparently loosing my mind.  Now, I've never HEARD of early-onset dementia as a possible p___ symptom, so perhaps I just am well and truly crazy.  How else can I explain?

• Strapping my cast on the wrong leg and not noticing until I was upstairs trying to put on my shoe.
• Telling the same person twice.
• Losing the ability to complete a sentence.
• Being strangely relieved at each and every symptom and incredibly dismayed when there are none.  Also, each and every symptom is evaluated as a potential harbinger of doom.  I don't give myself an out here.
• Fits of random giddy. 
• Tone of my book changing--seriously--my voice is stuck somewhere in Cincinnati trying to get  a flight home  while my poor brain eeeks out a word at a time
• Becoming a total iVillage junkie in less than a week.  Remember that whole plan I had to kick my internet addiction? And how well it worked for three months? Almost four? All bets are off now.  I seriously find posts with such dizzying, garish signatures more interesting than well . . .anything.  IQ drops 10 points after every visit.  We're talking multiple visits a day too.  I expect to be a vegetable sometime very soon.
• Developing a fondness for commercials. This after almost a decade of not watching network TV except in cases of national emergencies/elections/Olympics. 
• The sudden urge to own Midwest Real Estate. 
• Inability to finish a movie without falling asleep.  But having insomnia most nights. 
• Turning each bathroom visit into a religious experience. Tea leaves have been less examined than my T.P. Which, I know is way TMI, but still, I expected to be worshiping the porcelain god, just not quite like this. 

So, yeah, I'm still here. 5 weeks and some odd days. And freaking crazy.  I'd promise something about my job v soon, but I'm still working on the whole ability to think-about-something else thing.  Soon though.  I hope.  Otherwise, Beta (as in Beta testing) will be visiting me at the funny farm.  Or joining me in the poor house.  Any ideas for distractions? 

Where in the world. . . .

The week after Halloween is my least favorite Oregon week--Fall is offically over and RAIN has begun. We will next see the sun in April. If we are VERY lucky, we might get a glimpse in March.  Otherwise, Rain, rain, and more rain.  The rain is balanced by five months of amazing weather each late spring/summer/early fall. 

But . . .THE RAIN.  A week in and I am already SAD again.  So, I've been amusing myself with realtor.com, city-data.com, and other searches.  Where would I live if not here? It's a very freeing question. 

My ideal city: Artsy, politically moderate or left-leaning, easy-to-get involved (lots of organizations, boards, clubs, easy to join up), near scenic areas, moderate cost of living, and the least number of over-cast days possible.  Snow I can deal. Clouds not so much. 

Where would you live if you could move? What would your ideal city look like? Why? What non-rainy/non-cloudy cities do you recommend for my virtual vacations?  Speak up before I float away! 

This, That, and the Other

This:  I'm now part of a group writing blog.  This feels like a very productive use of blogging time.

That: Dawn has a even better idea for productive blogging. 

The Other:  I finally sent my first query letter for the book.  Someone hold me while I throw up, please. After so many months of not writing, if it took going through the depression, breaking my foot, and loosing my job to get me to the this point, I have to say: it was worth it.  The last few weeks have been nothing short of a godsend.  I feel like a walking poster child for my particular medication, because it is WORKING, but more importantly, so I am.   I have to say, at the risk of sounding like a blogging heritic, that dealing with my internet addiction may be the biggest factor in my new productivity and outlook on life. I'm planning for NaNoWriMo, but I'm taking the writing in slow, manageable chunks right now. I'm also selling some articles which helps with the whole no-job thing.

The Other Other: Freak is struggling right now. I can't go into too much detail here, but Freak is dealing with some health issues that have taken a major toll.  Please think good thoughts for him as he has some upcoming tests and Dr's visits.   

Recovering Internet Addict

Going from spending ALL of one's non-working, non-sleeping time on the Internet in some form to a strict computer usage plan is a bit like going from the buffet line to gastric bypass overnight or going cold turkey after a three pack a day habit: your world shifts and all you can do is adjust.  Not unlike breaking one's foot or loosing one's job (hem hem), but this Internet addiction recovery process is distinct because it is self-chosen and is part of the larger process of reclaiming myself and my mental health.  (I'm putting my Internet plan in the extended cut in case others are interested) 

So, now that my crutch of the Internet is removed from the equation, how HAVE I been spending my non-working, limited mobility time:

• Cooking.  Luckily, I have the type of kitchen that makes it pretty easy to cook from a wheelchair.  Instead of spending every meal at the computer, I've been spending breakfast and lunch with Mark, Julia, Betty, Fanny, and Bert and planning dinner. It's been a very long since I cooked this regularly.
• Listening to Books on Tape. This is probably my new favorite way to spend time. I can listen to a book and clean or knit at the same time. Listening to good fiction has the same effect on me as reading good fiction, and I accomplish something while getting energized for my own writing.
• Laundry. There is no laundry mountain. I repeat there is no laundry mountain. All clothes are hung and folded and there is no back log. The last time this occurred was maybe almost a year ago.  The process of getting everything done, put away, and caught up took multiple days.
• Physical therapy.  The cast of doom and I are now going three times a week to have foot torture, but I am told that healing is occurring.  At least another three weeks of the cast of doom, but at least things are looking good. 
• Knitting. This goes hand and hand with the books on tape but I'm also discovering the pleasure of sitting and JUST knitting without other distractions.
• Writing. I'm preparing to do NaNoWriMo for the second time, and I've been plotting my story.
• Talking. In addition to the daily marathon with Clanna, I've added phone calls to other relatives and longer nightly chats with Freak.
• Reading. The Brockmann books were not a fluke, and I've been enjoying this reading Renaissance whole-heartedly.
• Taking small steps to my next career moves. 
• Thinking. For me, surfing replaces day-dreams, thinking, contemplating, and zaps my creativity.

It's not earth shattering, it's not even all that interesting, but it is, for me, a reclaiming of the simple good things in my life.  In case you are interested in reclaiming your life from the Internet, my plan follows. 

Quid Pro Quo and Question

In case you care about such things as blogrolls, I've just spent some time cleaning mine up. I went from 193 feeds to 114 feeds, and I'm still paring. If you read me, and I'm not reading you, please leave a comment.

I want to keep an ongoing dialogue with my readers, but I HAVE to deal with my out-of-control internet addiction. The blogs I have cut are all great blogs, but they are ones with whom I don't feel that ongoing connection. My new criteria, as I cut back, is to keep blogs with whom I have or can establish a sense of dialogue--of a two way street.  There are so many GREAT blogs out there, that I often feel overwhelmed--like I can never read enough or like I need to read so much more.  So blogs who read me, and blogs with a dialogue.  It's a start.  And STILL I feel guilty for cutting.

Which leads me to my next question:
How do you deal with YOUR internet addiction? How do you limit how much time you spend on blogs? Do you have any tips for cutting back or limiting the time sucking factor? Any tips at all?

P.S. Don't forget to answer my last question about living far away from family if you get a chance!

7x7

I got tagged! 

7 Things I Want to Do without Dying of Embarrassment

1. Ask someone for their contact info
2. Make an important phone call 
3.  Jump into a pool
4. Enter a crowded room
5. Wear a low-cut anything
6. Talk about certain things at the doctor's office
7. Talk to famous/important people 

7 Things I Cannot Do in the Summer

1. Knit a sweater
2.  Visit the midwest/south 
3.  Wear pajamas 
4. Go out without a lot of deodorant.
5. Give up ice cream
6. Drink tap water
7. Eat stew and soup 

7 Things I Can Do which are Meaningless Unless you are still in Junior High

1. Write in a variety of bubbly handwritings. 
2. Blow bubbles and snap my gum.
3. Fold orgami notes
4. Write great theme papers
5. Paint faces
6. Make a great "babysitter's box"
7. Make straw pipets

7 Things Which Attracted Me to My House

1. The kitchen--newish and rather large
2. All the 1940's details
3. The dog run
4. The large finished basement
5. The cute landscaping (which we have totally ruined)
6. It was in our price range
7. The windows

7 Things I Say Most Often When I am Crying

1. Why am I crying? 
2. I hurt.
3. I can't do this. 
4. I just want to be normal.
5. I feel awful. 
6. I don't want to lose X
7. i suck. 

7 Children's Books I am Adding to My Own Collection

1. Babysitter's Club books: None yet, but Baggage inspired me to go back to my roots
2. The Gordon Korman series. Classics and his latest work. 
3. Dr. Seuss
4. Harry Potter series--have them all
5. Little Golden Book classics
6. Classic Pooh/Beatrix Potter
7. Artimus Fowl 


7 Children's Movies I Can Watch for the Bazillionth Time Without Wanting to Rip My Eyes from Their Sockets

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. Toy Story 
3. Home Alone
4. Cinderella
5. Monsters, Inc
6. Charlie Brown
7. Harry Potter

I suppose I'm supposed to tag someone now--Gina,  Stephanie,  TSC Girl, and Blogging Through This anyone else want to?  Leave a comment if you put it up! 

How to be be friends with someone suffering from Depression

For the "What I want you to know" carnival:  I want you to know how to be friends with a person suffering from depression. 

Sometime ago, I read a couple of different posts—“how to be friends with an infertile.”  “How to be friends with a birthmother, etc”  I looked for but I have not been able to find one on how to be friends with someone dealing with depression.  I wrote this because this is what I would like my IRL and online friends to know about what I am going through.  I don’t pretend to speak for all people with depression, but I have tried to account for a wide range of experiences--not all of my examples are my own personal experience.  I would appreciate any linkage you could give this particular post because I would like to help as many people as possible.   

I wish it were easier . . . .

A commenter over at Dawn's remarked on how "I know for me if I am holding my daughter from China in my arms and contemplating *still* about the moral and ethical issues and my place within it surrounding the social construct of how these children came to be in my arms, I wasn’t ready to adopt."  She admits that she is the type of person to make a decision and never look back.  My god, how I envy this type of person. 

Freak is this way too.  He simply doesn't understand all the jumping around I do.  I spend hours, HOURS on the internet researching each option for us, researching agencies, types of adoptions, issues, and this me *knowing* without a doubt this is what I want to do.  For Freak, x= we are taking classes in September for foster-adopt, we lack immediate funds for IA, wife wants kids now, =end of story. 

For me it looks something more like:

x= Foster adopt ((classes + straightforward process + inexpensive)/(legal risk - no toddlers - substantial health problems - abuse issues))

> = < 

International adoption (Colombia (low fees + young children + healthy/cost of travel -unsafe country- fees still high) OR Guatemala (very young children, home soon/ high fees, risk of birth mother coercion, risk of program closing) OR Haiti (low fees + many kids + no travel/ many ethnic/cultural issues to consider - unpredictable program) OR Mexico (we love program + young children + healthy + doable travel/ risky program, variable to high fees, risk of coercion) OR  X, Y, Z other countries. 

----->  More research. More reading on trans-racial adoption.  More adoption blogs.  More reading.  Redo equations.  Budget stays the same.  Hair is pulled out.  I flip and I flop.  I moan.  I engage in what Dawn's commenter would call "mental anguish."  Mental anguish tastes a lot like chocolate.  For Freak, each option is black and white.  Countries which the US state department does not advise travel in are immediately off the list.  If we don't have the money in the bank account, that is off the list too.  If we have decided that will parent in X way, then we simply shall until it is impractical to do so.  For him, each option is approached in a very practical way. 

I envy him this.  I really do.  For me, if I feel pulled towards something, if my heart says that this is the way, then I try to line all the practical up.  My decision making process is fluid.  I said last night that "I'll see how I feel after the first class."  Freak simply didn't get this---to him, I said I wanted to do this, so what was the issue.  The issue is all I have learned in the meantime. 

But, I wouldn't want to give that knowledge back.   I relish these hard questions.  This is probably why I am the writer and he is the programmer.  I will be considering these issues on an existential level from here on out.  Freak will be my reality check, the practical day-to-day parent while I wrestle with each choice.   I actively seek out more choices just to gum up his well ordered program. Bring on the choices.   

Dryer Lint in my Brain

I probably have something to say, but I fear it’s become lost in a moveable type haze, as I attempt to speak out both sides of my mouth at once and actually make this freelance thing work. And while my novel is still gathering dust (broken record, I know), I just sold another article today, and I’m starting to feel less like a total fraud referring to myself as a writer. Even if I do still totally want to break out into loud giggles and do the happy dance every time I get to announce that I’ve just banked coffee money from my words.  

I'm in Love

I fell in love with a BANG! yesterday afternoon.  The kind of love that leaves you slack-jawed and mumbling incoherently and unable to see anything other than the object of your affection.   

The Internet can rest easily, as my new love is neither another pet, nor is it Raul my sexy-but-imaginary boyfriend.   It is this fine specimen of speed and mega pixels, this sexy little black package of hot potential and quick responsiveness.   Minolta Dimage Z3,  my one true love, until Mr. SLR comes to steal my heart away (and brings a way to pay for his love with him). 

Of course, Wavybrains the bargain hunter, got a much better deal than what Amazon and other retailers are selling this camera for.   I've spent the last . . . oh, TWO YEARS salivating for a new camera, more mega pixels, better color, better anti-shake technology, but being the good little Luddite that I am, I resolved to wait until Freak's camera (the Cannon S-40 2 mega pixel) bit the dust. 

Luckily, Tragically, somewhere between the Fourth of July and Reno, Freak's camera died a slow, drawn-out death that culminated in a $160 repair estimate for the mere possibility of turning on again.  I swear that I never MEANT to hurl it from a moving carousel (It is all Freak's fault, of course), that my dog didn't intentionally bury the camera in the sand, and that all those minor falls and abuses had NOTHING to do with the camera's demise.   

Freak was in no big hurry to rush out and drop a grand on the object of my obsession--the Nikon D70, oh how I want you, Baby.  But, then I had an epiphany where in I realized that if I settled for Mr. Quite-Tasty-but-not-a-D70, I could actually finance a new camera MYSELF.  With money earned from the articles I sold last month.   I actually PAID for a MAJOR INVESTMENT (ok, ok, ok, TOY) with money earned from writing.  How cool is that? 

Freak financed the two-year extended warranty.  Because, you know, in our safe household, there is absolutely no chance of a puppy eating it, it tumbling from a hammock, free-falling into a tub, or being consumed by that pesky plague of locusts.   Oh, and the coolest part, seeing as a I am remedial nerd who needs much help in operating the objects of her techie lust--I get 18 free photography classes.   Expect more pictures.   LOTS more pictures.  I will probably bore you all with pictures instead of just threatening them all the time.   

The only thing I possibly love more than this camera (which did NOT sleep next to me all night . . . ) is my local camera shop.   I heart small businesses.