Life is a Banquet

Dec. 4, 1978

Alas, I am another year older today. 28. In fact, I have decided that this may be last birthday for a while. Next year will be the first anniversary of my 28th birthday.  And so on. Because, gods this march to 30 (which I swore would never bug me) suddenly seems to be moving at jumbo jet speed.

I turned 27 deeply unhappy with my lack of progress on my second book, floundering at working from home, and desperate to have a kid ASAP. Most of 27 was held hostage by depression. I ended 27 with four terms of teaching under my belt, a second book, and the best emotional health in four years.

So what amazing things did I discover in my 27th year:

1)  Empathy is a cultivated skill
2) Depression causes way more havoc than you think. Medication does work. 
3) Rejection hurts a whole lot less than not trying
4) Teaching is amazingly gratifying work for little money
5) Writing is even more gratifying work for even less money
6) Yarn can be a bonafide addiction
7) Cables, lace, fair isle, oh my! Hats, booties, socks, vests, this was the year of knitting.
8) A broken foot can be a blessing, a curse, and a giant pain in the neck
9) I can indeed write a second book
10) Writing retreats should be covered by health insurance, they're that potent
11)All hail the works of Suzanne Brockmann. Not since high school have I consumed an author's entire backlist in less than 3 months.
12) Other authors discovered in my 27th year: Shannon McKenna, Christina Skye, Jennifer Skully, Kimberly Raye, and Susan Donovan.  This was one of my best years as far as reading went.
13) Blog reading is not a vocation.
14) All those folks who say "Marriage shouldn't be work, you shouldn't have to work at being married," probably aren't married.
15) Sugar Free Coffee Flavored Ice Cream is all that and more.
16) Yes, you can make it through four years of college and three years of law school without being a coffee drinker, then turn into a daily coffee addict with just a few months of teaching.
17) TV is way more fun with netflix.
18) Gilmore Girls, House, Battlestar, Prison Break, Six Feet Under, Firefly, Pioneer House
19) Light therapy really does work
20) My laptop is not, in fact, an extra appendage
21) We can halve our budget. Make that third. Make that . . . And the sky isn't falling yet. 
22) Relative poverty is actually preferable to a wide range of alternatives
23) A dog at two is even more fun than a puppy
24) Kids can wait a little bit longer
25) Life is more meaningful with community.
26) Asking for help is a brave option
27) Moderation and steady progress is way more fulfilling than living life at the extremes

What did you learn in your 27th year? Not there yet? What goals do you have for 27? Good goals for 28? (And yes I do have a number of things I want to do by 30. Gulp.)

Recovering Internet Addict

Going from spending ALL of one's non-working, non-sleeping time on the Internet in some form to a strict computer usage plan is a bit like going from the buffet line to gastric bypass overnight or going cold turkey after a three pack a day habit: your world shifts and all you can do is adjust.  Not unlike breaking one's foot or loosing one's job (hem hem), but this Internet addiction recovery process is distinct because it is self-chosen and is part of the larger process of reclaiming myself and my mental health.  (I'm putting my Internet plan in the extended cut in case others are interested) 

So, now that my crutch of the Internet is removed from the equation, how HAVE I been spending my non-working, limited mobility time:

• Cooking.  Luckily, I have the type of kitchen that makes it pretty easy to cook from a wheelchair.  Instead of spending every meal at the computer, I've been spending breakfast and lunch with Mark, Julia, Betty, Fanny, and Bert and planning dinner. It's been a very long since I cooked this regularly.
• Listening to Books on Tape. This is probably my new favorite way to spend time. I can listen to a book and clean or knit at the same time. Listening to good fiction has the same effect on me as reading good fiction, and I accomplish something while getting energized for my own writing.
• Laundry. There is no laundry mountain. I repeat there is no laundry mountain. All clothes are hung and folded and there is no back log. The last time this occurred was maybe almost a year ago.  The process of getting everything done, put away, and caught up took multiple days.
• Physical therapy.  The cast of doom and I are now going three times a week to have foot torture, but I am told that healing is occurring.  At least another three weeks of the cast of doom, but at least things are looking good. 
• Knitting. This goes hand and hand with the books on tape but I'm also discovering the pleasure of sitting and JUST knitting without other distractions.
• Writing. I'm preparing to do NaNoWriMo for the second time, and I've been plotting my story.
• Talking. In addition to the daily marathon with Clanna, I've added phone calls to other relatives and longer nightly chats with Freak.
• Reading. The Brockmann books were not a fluke, and I've been enjoying this reading Renaissance whole-heartedly.
• Taking small steps to my next career moves. 
• Thinking. For me, surfing replaces day-dreams, thinking, contemplating, and zaps my creativity.

It's not earth shattering, it's not even all that interesting, but it is, for me, a reclaiming of the simple good things in my life.  In case you are interested in reclaiming your life from the Internet, my plan follows. 

Don't Want to Think About It

There are days when I really enjoy being an Ostrich,  when all the things I don't want to think about crowd my brain and compete for valuable real estate (there are only so many things I can be sad about at one time, really), so instead I think about what I don't want to think about.  I don't want to think about:

• How big my current library fine is.  I dropped my books off in a fit of panic eons late and have not the courage to check the fine on line.
• How much I currently owe Blockbuster.  I've had Breakfast Club since July (for class, natch). 
• What the number on the scale currently is.  There is a number above which I think I have a total melt down.  That number may have been breached.  I do not want to think about this.
• How long/hard/problematic/costly this adoption thing is really going to be.  To quote Dawn, I'd rather think about likely rosebushes to look under.
• How long it has been since I've touched my current WIP.  Or any WIP.
• Jobs I should be applying for
• Articles I should be pitching
• What month I last vacuumed
• What sort of meds the head Dr. is likely to recommend tomorrow, whether they will work, side effects, other thoughts that make my brain hurt
• What it means that my "mood log" looks like abstract art
• How much I have to get done before the end of the term.  Grading, finals to write. Brain hurting.  Not going to think about it. 
• How bad my skin currently looks (think attacked by angry hornets.  Multiply by a power of 10).
• How long it has been since I have seen my family
• How much time I spend on-line

Instead, I play ostrich and stick my fingers in my ears, and sing NA NA NA NA to all the things I don't want to think about.   Tell me, what don't YOU want to think about right now? 

7x7

I got tagged! 

7 Things I Want to Do without Dying of Embarrassment

1. Ask someone for their contact info
2. Make an important phone call 
3.  Jump into a pool
4. Enter a crowded room
5. Wear a low-cut anything
6. Talk about certain things at the doctor's office
7. Talk to famous/important people 

7 Things I Cannot Do in the Summer

1. Knit a sweater
2.  Visit the midwest/south 
3.  Wear pajamas 
4. Go out without a lot of deodorant.
5. Give up ice cream
6. Drink tap water
7. Eat stew and soup 

7 Things I Can Do which are Meaningless Unless you are still in Junior High

1. Write in a variety of bubbly handwritings. 
2. Blow bubbles and snap my gum.
3. Fold orgami notes
4. Write great theme papers
5. Paint faces
6. Make a great "babysitter's box"
7. Make straw pipets

7 Things Which Attracted Me to My House

1. The kitchen--newish and rather large
2. All the 1940's details
3. The dog run
4. The large finished basement
5. The cute landscaping (which we have totally ruined)
6. It was in our price range
7. The windows

7 Things I Say Most Often When I am Crying

1. Why am I crying? 
2. I hurt.
3. I can't do this. 
4. I just want to be normal.
5. I feel awful. 
6. I don't want to lose X
7. i suck. 

7 Children's Books I am Adding to My Own Collection

1. Babysitter's Club books: None yet, but Baggage inspired me to go back to my roots
2. The Gordon Korman series. Classics and his latest work. 
3. Dr. Seuss
4. Harry Potter series--have them all
5. Little Golden Book classics
6. Classic Pooh/Beatrix Potter
7. Artimus Fowl 


7 Children's Movies I Can Watch for the Bazillionth Time Without Wanting to Rip My Eyes from Their Sockets

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. Toy Story 
3. Home Alone
4. Cinderella
5. Monsters, Inc
6. Charlie Brown
7. Harry Potter

I suppose I'm supposed to tag someone now--Gina,  Stephanie,  TSC Girl, and Blogging Through This anyone else want to?  Leave a comment if you put it up! 

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things about Wavybrains

13 Things I am grateful for
1.  The best dog in the universe, squeaky clean and at my feet
2.  My new found Stich n Bitch friends, who make Weds. my new favorite day of the week.
3.  The Golden Marionette who kicked my ass into gear breaking my mental funk
4.  The urgent care doctor who took the time to listen, and who gave me the drugs to break my physical funk and get the swamp thing out of my lungs.
5.  My Freak who drove me to Urgent Care, who took me to the pharmacy, who helped me call Nurse Mother-in-law, and who has listened to me whine for two weeks straight about this cold (which turned out to be a big infection, not a cold BTW).  And who let me fall asleep last night in his arms. 
6. My Freak, who deserves a second line, because even when we go through a challenging period, that makes us grow, that tests our relationship, it never breaks us, and we only get stronger and stronger.
7. My mother who has listened to me on the phone through the last few weeks of funk--sickness and mental sludge, who has let me rant and rave, and who gives me a place to bare my soul. 
8.  Yarn.  I am grateful for my yarn, all its textures and shapes, for keeping me sane, for keeping me creative, for keeping me going. 
9.  Mingy and Mungy.  For making me laugh, even when it hurts to do so, even when it seems so hard, the funniest cats in the world. 
10. My bed which I am typing from.  My sanctuary, even dirty with orange peels and tea glasses nearby, this is the place I created.  I created this room from NOTHING.  And I am so grateful to have it. 
11.  My newly framed- Freak made art which graces my walls and enriches my life.  Freak is so excited at school, on such a creative tear, his shining IS the reason for everything else. 
12.  Ginger.   Oh root of gods, for clearing my sinus, for being so pure and humble and boil-able. Seriously, Ginger + Garlic + Cayenne + Lemon = feel better.  I think I got this one from ABV or another lawschool croney but it works.  1
13.  My law degree.  As much ambivalence as I have had the last few months, I am still grateful that I went to law school, that I survived, that I have the degree to show for it.   

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1. lilybleu (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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My Best of 2005

Many thanks to Barren Mare and others "best of" lists for loosely inspiring my own best of 2005 list. 

The best parts of 2005:

• Watching Caylis grow from a puppy to a teenage-doggie, and watching her gain confidence and personality as she learned to swim, hike on a harness, play more complex games, and love with an abundance and depth that astounds me.  And I thought puppy love was terrific. 
• Getting Married.  The wedding and reception truly were exactly what I (and we wanted).  But, to me the best part is our vows and the partnership they represent.  We think of, reflect on, mention and live our vows in daily life--not just the fairytale moments. And THAT is the best part. 
• Coming out as a writer.  I want to look at 2005 as the year when I took a giant leap of faith, one that I continue to second-guess, accept, and put into action.  This year I finished my first novel, started novels 2 and 3 , joined RWA, went to nationals, had people other than my mother read my fiction, entered my first contest, entered golden heart, sold my first article.  Scary wonderful is the best part. 
• My friendship with the Golden Marionette.  I think my freshman year of college was the last time I had REALLY good female friends, and its been several years since I had "couple friends" and this year, I have both.  Having her to share our wedding with, sharing her wedding, watching our dogs grow, sharing fitness goals and newly-married-angst--She truly is one of MY best parts of 2005. 
• Yoga, Pilates, and Walking.  I could just lament the fact that I re-gained 20 pounds and leave it at that.  But that wouldn't tell the whole story.  Even as my relationship with food has deteriorated, my relationship with fitness improved, I got stronger, I challenged myself, I found ways to work through pain and neuropathy.  Discovering the gym, re-discovering hiking and yoga--these were some of the best moments. 
• Having my mother as my best friend.  Yes, it's corny, but as I have grown to accept myself and love myself, I have allowed myself to love my mother unconditionally, to have the kind of relationship with her that I crave--daily phone calls, long chats, silly conversations about nothing, and not worry about what others might think of our closeness.  In doing so, I have allowed myself to appreciate her quirks, distance myself from the unhealthy parts, and still love her completely. 
• Re-discovering my father.  The big guy's deteriorating condition has been one of many backdrops this past year, but what I have savored is this new feeling of closeness we share.  He reads my writing, he tells me he loves me, he sends me cards.  These little things mean so very much to me. 
• Finishing a job I loved.  As hard as it was to have my job end in Sept., as hard as it has been to adapt to working from home, leaving on good terms was the best part of an unfortunate situation.  And the fact that it freed me to pursue my dreams--well,that is certainly a best part. 
• Watching Freak become a part of my family.  Seeing Freak play computer games late into the night with my brothers and fathers, seeing him pick up the phone to call them on his own, watching him meet my New York relatives, I just fell in love over and over again. 
• Making a home.  As I have grown more confident in my own tastes, I have had the best time making a bunch of clearance finds into a home, filling this place with memories.  Part of this has been learning what makes a home: lazy evenings watching Star Trek, amazing dinners, watching pets do cute things, not sweating little stuff, and having space which reflects each of us. 
• Discovering my inner carpenter.  Part of the above has come about from challenging long held myths about myself--that I am careless, that I am no-good with tools, that I am uncoordinated.  I have ripped carpet.  I have put together furniture on my own.  I have moved furniture.  I have drilled.  I have spray painted.  I have GROWN. 
• Building spaces of my own. My ever rotating office space and closet space HAS served a purpose.  I have had a chance to explore my own needs, be truthful with myself, willing to experiment, willing to change, willing to declare myself worthy of the space. 
• Learning to stick up for myself and my choices.  I couldn't have built as much room for myself to grow as I have, if I hadn't learned so much about accepting who I am, standing up for myself, not worrying so much about pleasing others, not caving in so quickly.  I may be slightly more of a wench these days, but I think that is a good thing. 
• Moving further away from the "dark place."  The depression of three long years as I bounced from doctor to doctor achieved some resolution as I moved from probable MS to the diabetes diagnosis and opened up a new world of hope and treatment.  Metformin and Cymbalta have changed my quality of life, to the point where my health no longer defines me, where my chronic illness can recede to a more acceptable portion of my attention, and where the depression no longer seems crushing on a daily basis. 
• Falling in love with my state.  Obviously, I came here for a reason, and I came because I love the west.  But, this year, in going back to Missouri, going to New York and Reno, I have fallen truly in love with my home and with feeling rooted here. 
• Finding a connection to my community.  Part of feeling rooted has been becoming more involved with the community, volunteering with the library, SMART, and other programs.  Finding the RWA group, and the stitch n bitch ladies. 
• Falling in love with myself all over again.  It has been a decade now since high school, five years since I graduated from college, and one moment from my awakening, my true graduation.  This year when I embraced myself, my love of color, my love of cute things, my optimism, my fickleness, my curves.  I fell in love with my uniqueness and made real progress on accepting myself and dropping all the requirements I held for my own happiness.  THIS is the real best part of 2005. 

You asked, more:

Keep them coming! Really!  I LOVE questions, and I know there are more of you out there . . .

1.  Why don't you update the other part of your blog (the food diary)?

Aaagh! The other question I really was hoping not to get.  I stopped following fat flush, because it just wasn't working for me to have so many limitations on top of the wheat allergy, diabetes, etc.  I've eaten badly (read lots of fruit, lots of artifical sweetners, lots of gluten-free, sugar-free baking) for a few months, and I've gone from 160 to 180 again. From 12 to 14 AGAIN.  I can gain 20 pounds in my sleep.  I NEED to keep track of what I eat, as that's a big part of success for me, but I felt like my food diary was becoming a big rant of "woe is me."  I need to get back to it as I work out what balance looks like for me.  Maybe this will shove me back to updating, perhaps without the self-bashing. 

2.  If you could do anything over again other than your divorce, what would it be & why

I would choose a different college.  I had the opportunity to go elsewhere, and I turned down several good options.  I would like to go back and see how things would go differently, who I would be today, and why. 

3.  If you could become anything other than a writer, what would it be & why?

Filthy Rich?  Just kidding.  Well not really, but assuming that, you know, Trust Fund Baby, isn't really an option, I have two answers.  The alternate universe answer:  An athelete---a figure skater or dancer or gymanst or even just a fitness coach, like a pilates instructor or yoga goddess.  Laugh all you want, the universe totally screwed me when it gave me this body and this lack of coordination.  The  in-this-lifetime-answer:  a teacher.   This is IT for me---the one thing other than a writer I've always thought about, felt constrained by finances, politics, and social reality from pursuing, but I would love to teach.   

You asked:

Here's the questions I have so far, but PLEASE, more questions--I LOVE this: 

Kristen Asks:

1. Where did you go to college (undergrad) ?

I started school at

Westminster

in

Fulton

,

Missouri

and transferred to the University of Missouri-St. Louis. 

2. If had to live anyplace in the world OTHER THAN where you live now, where would it be ?

I would live in the Utah Dessert, near Capitol Reef national park. Or if money was no object, I would live near

Vancouver

,

Canada

. So many gorgeous places to choose from. 

3. What was the last book you read ?

This afternoon, I read The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things by J. T. Leroy. Amazingly powerful. I started out to browse, and ended up engrossed, on the floor of Waldenbooks for about 2 hours. 

Tanya asks

1. What one thing in your life do you wish you'd done differently?

Just one thing? I wish I’d handled the end of my first marriage differently. Had I known then, what I know now, I would have done things differently.  

2. What is your saddest memory?

This is another tough one. When Freak and I had to put down his year and a half year old cat due a congential defect that was killing her, it was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever witnessed. 

3. How many siblings do you have (and how old are they and where do they live)?

I have two younger brothers. Studmonkey is 24—soon to be 25, and lives with my parents just outside of

St.   Louis

while he finishes up an IT degree. Mattydog is 21, and is working on a Social Work degree at my Alma Mata in

St. Louis

. 

Carrie asks: 

1. What is your favorite beauty product?

Lip gloss. Preferably Bert Bees or Aveda. Nothing else can make you look “done” with so little effort. 

2. What is in your purse right this very moment.

Oh! I love this question. Right now:
My dayplanner; my wallet which has 50 zillion cards, a bunch of coffee stamp cards, 5 dollars in singles and a ton of receipts; 3 lucky stones from the Ren Fair a year ago today when Freak and I got engaged, 2 tampons, my diabetes medication, a painfully stale cinnamon candy for low blood sugar, a wooden perfume holder that Freak got me, an unmailed postcard to my parents, a doodle on the back of an ad, floss, a pair of chopsticks, my keys which have a dog clicker and a tape measure attached.

Usually in my purse but absent due to a change from “fun” to “interview” purse on Friday—my checkbook, a glasses case, a journal, and lip gloss, and about 10 pens. 

3. Most embarrassing moment?

Gosh, I’m so good at humiliating myself, it’s hard to pick just one. Lifetime winner though: In sixth grade, my-so-called “best friend” stole my private diary and read it out loud on break to the whole class, and ripped out pages and handed them out. It contained such wonderful information as embarrassing crushes, my first period, stupid whiney stuff, and other lovely stuff.   

Sarah asks:

1. where do you answer the questions: on your blog or in a private e-mail?

On my blog. I usually answer comments via email though. 

2. what is the question you are hoping no one will ask? It was asked—the one thing I would change. But, really, I like getting questions even hard questions. 

3. what do *you* think happens to us when life ends?

This is probably the hardest question yet. I think we die, and our energy is dispersed in the universe. I think the narrator’s observation at the end of American Beauty pretty much sums up the afterlife for me—time slows down, and down, as our energy and consciousness diminish. I also like the observations on life and death contained in Immortality by Milan Kundera, and in the movies: Vanilla Sky, Contact, and Dragonfly. I think we can connect with the energy of the universe, and if we are open be influenced by it, but I think it is a far more subtle thing that many religions and writers and artists make it out to be. 

 

 

What to love (and hate) about my home

St. Louis

is DONE.  I lived there for nearly five and a half years after a childhood spent in

Southwestern Missouri

(near the mecca that is Branson), and while writing my list of what to love & hate about St. Louis was fun, I have a much more visceral connection to Salem. Two years ago this week, I moved here, in the middle of what was a cacophony of changes in my life. I have had three

Salem

addresses, four pets from the

Salem

humane society, have joined local groups, and have found the most remarkable thing: HOME. 

 

The Thursday Thirteen

             
   
          
   
 

13 Super Sweet Morsels about Wavybrains             1. I am addicted to Dutch Brothers Coffee 2. Specifically, I crave sugar-free blended decaf lattes EVERY evening around 8:00 p.m. 3. When I am not obsessed with treats, I am obsessed with babies these days. 4. I desperately want a baby. 5. I am nowhere near ready for a baby. 6. I am a connoisseur of naps, Sunday drives, lazy afternoons with DVD’s, and irregular mealtimes. 7. I am currently a very bad diabetic for all of the above reasons. 8. It has been about two and a half years since I have had real sugar, wheat, excessive carbohydrates, and fried foods. 9. You would think this would be enough to turn me positively Svelte 10. You would be wrong.  See # 1. 11. I am a sporadic Yogi. 12. More consistent Yoga and less Dutch Brothers would probably make #9 more likely. ; 13. Consistency is NOT one of my strong points.                     Links to other Thursday Thirteens!              1.  (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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