Life is a Banquet

The First Step is the Hardest

I am reminded again today of important trying is. I missed my regular noon yoga class, so I went to an evening Pilates class instead. Pilates is to yoga what running is to walking. Apparently I lack these core muscles they speak of, or perhaps that nice thick layer of padding makes them harder to utilize. I felt like a newborn colt struggling to stand upright. But I really enjoyed the class, and I remembered how hard yoga was at first, and then I felt uplifted.

Sometimes I get frustrated because the number on the scale is higher than a year ago, because I still have bad days due to the MS, and my blood sugar still likes to yo-yo from time to time. I beat myself up because I exceed the recommended serving size of certain sugar-free treats :P Or I lament my driving my fossil-fuel mobile to work to conserve energy instead of biking. Or I focus on the kitchen floor (which is disgusting at the moment) instead of the clean bathroom, bedroom, and living room.

But I forget how much I am really doing to change my destiny, to fight back chronic illness, to take charge of my mental state, to not let my genetic tendency towards clutter and chaos take over completely. Trying really is enough to make a difference. For instance, today my mother had a very roller coaster day with various family member’s health conditions. My 84 year old grandmother in New York has a rare vascular disorder that has made her rather debilitated, and while quite treatable, has everyone worried. My father on the other hand, has high blood pressure (not to mention morbid obesity . . .), and a staph infection that has so far not responded to antibiotics. So high powered drugs all around . . .

In some respects though, I feel that my 84 year old grandmother is in better shape than my 52 year old father. She has an active lifestyle (up until 2 weeks ago or so when she started having some problems), she has a network of friends and family, actively involved in her church and community, and has made a variety of lifestyle changes when recommended by her doctor—reducing sugar, and fat, and salt.

My father on the other hand, visits his doctor, and takes the medications they recommend. His lifestyle is still just as a sedentary, and any eating changes are due solely to changes in my mother’s cooking and what she buys at the store. I get frustrated with my father because I don’t feel that he is trying to change his situation, and I feel that he minimizes the toll he is taking on his health. I love him unconditionally, and accepting that I can’t change him was one the hardest lessons of growing up. He has given into his situation, and did so many, many years ago, and that is the saddest thing. Its probably the Sagittarius in me—I can’t stand to see people not trying to improve.

Trying really can make such a difference, and that’s what I am reminded of today. Its not the “Wow, I’m a size 3 now!” success stories we should strive for. Rather, putting one foot in front of the other, stretching, making a concerted effort to eat veggies, use olive oil, whatever steps you take is a step in the right direction. So it doesn’t matter if you flop like a fish on the Pilates mat. If you showed up, you are already a success story.

New Month, New Start

A new month is a good thing. I like the continuity of month-to-month, season-to-season. I think it’s because I was a student for so long that I love concrete deadlines, things to tick off, and starting all over again. I feel like July was a hurdle leading to a catharsis that I had to have to move forward, but it was hardly an easy month. But I’m trying to not let a difficult month lead to a second difficult month.

So I’m trying to recommit to Flylady. I’ve gotten rather lazy about this stuff recently, and I need her reminders and testimonials to prod me to take care of myself, and the house. Nothing says I love you like a clean sink, after all. I’m also trying to hit my target work hours each day so that I have less stress at the end of the week about whether or not I will need to take leave.

I’ve done yoga every day for over a week now, and I’m really enjoying adding it into my daily routine. I think the 2-4 times a week routine I had been doing was a good start, but I think a daily practice allows one to enter into more spiritual side of practice more deeply. I’ve been reading Yoga for Depression by Amy Weintraub, and I can’t say enough good things about this book.

You don’t have to be a yogi to benefit from the meditation and breathing techniques, and all the postures she recommends are very basic and easy. In fact, I’ve found it to be a good before bed routine. I’m getting closer to standing on my head in regular practice and I’m very excited by this, as it shows how much progress I am making.

Now if I could just keep the kitchen floor clean . . .

Into the Great Wide Open

My heels touched the yoga mat for the first time today during downward facing dog. Like many things in yoga, it is neither a feat of flexibility nor a testament of superior strength. Rather, it is a leap of faith. For the first time, I believed it was possible, and it was. This energized me for the rest of my practice, which was especially significant because I began the morning still noticing signs of a flare that continued throughout the day.

But leaping, becoming your highest self, shining can happen regardless of your physical state. This is a very important lesson for me, because usually I do not even try to leap, much less shine brightly on days I have a flare. I’m better than the days when I would wallow in the flare, but I still spend way too much time fighting the flare, railing against the fates that brought me to this place. Hating the unfairness that even when I’m trying very hard to be “good”, to do the things I need to do for my wellbeing, a flare can still strike at any times. Hating that not everyone has to go through this.

But the amazing thing is that leaping and shining can actually remove and release the negative energy so that our physical state, for at least a short while, is dramatically improved. The mind truly does have significant power over the physical. And yoga is not the only place to get these benefits. I was instant messaging with an old friend this evening, the flare symptoms back in full surround-sound quality, and I found myself shining.

As I kept encouraging him to leap in his own life, to let go of the past, and leap into the unknown, I realized that I was ready to leap into my own life a little bit, to fully put the truth out there for both my friend and I to face, to bare the honest truth about what I wanted, and to define what I wanted in the future. Their have been many barriers to this friend and I being family again, and undoubtedly, unseen barriers will continue to surface, but for the first time in over 15 months, I felt extremely hopeful about the future of our friendship. I leaped, and I reaped the rewards.

I continued to shine on the high of this amazing chat as I shared it with Freak. And while he liked that I was shining my animated self instead of laying in bed communing with the icepacks, he tried to caution me that perhaps my friend did not receive my real message, that perhaps it will take more time to construct the kind of relationship I want with this friend, that it would be folly to think that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. He was not being overly pessimistic, as this is all a very real possibility. But, as I explained to him, that’s not the point.

I’ve spent a good part of my life trying to wall myself off from pain. But when you live your life this way, you become so chronically unbalanced that both your physical and mental state begin to break down. Striving for balance does not mean an avoidance of all stressful situations or potential conflicts. Rather you must be willing to voice your needs, to try and meet those needs, even when past attempts to achieve that balance have failed.

When you leap, when you allow your best self to shine through, you make yourself vulnerable. This is unavoidable. If I am to put my heels on the mat, I must risk the consequences to my body. If my wrists are to support my weight in pyramid pose, I must risk falling. There comes a point in all challenging relationships where you must leap not for the other person, but for yourself. You must leap for you. Say the things that you need to say, and hope to not land flat on your face.

Leaping allows my inner optimist to come to the surface, to engage in daydreams, and to believe in the possibility of change. Especially when I struggle with absolutism, with feeling like it will “always be this way,” such optimism is exceptionally freeing. It means no matter what pain I am in now, what limitations I face this moment, what relationships I am estranged from, all can improve with time. I just have to leap to find out.

Yoga is Better than Sex

The minutes before you end your practice sometimes soften and lengthen as you get into that zone that only yogis understand. It's different than the bicycle zone, the running zone, the writing zone, the work zone. It is conscious control over the involuntary, the sense that you can feel your neurons firing, discover new muscles. It emboldens you, destresses you, energizes you, and nurtures you all at once.

And I am aware that right then, at that moment, I am doing the most important thing I can for myself. I am being here. Breathing. Centered. I missed both yoga classes last week, and practicing at home this evening I was reminded yet again how much I get from this seemingly simple act.

When I worked out "harder"--running, intense weight lifting, biking long distances, I was thinner. Yoga is not about loosing 20 pounds in a month or dropping 3 dress sizes. In fact, to truly get more out of my practice, I have had to embrace my softness, encourage my softness, work with my softness, to love all of me as I am right now.

I realize that you cannot do yoga to loose weight, to be better in bed, to get a promotion, to be a better spouse or parent. You must do yoga for you. And since so many of us, myself included, have such a hard time putting ourselves first, in meeting our own needs above all others, this is a very powerful thing.

I look forward to making class tomorrow. Best Monday "nooner" I can think of!

Namaste.